The Lotus Flower

Supposedly, I have a fresh start. Not quite as clean as a slate as when I turned 18; I've got a few more chips and bumps. But, I know what kind of rock I am now. My therapist says I've reached the level of self-understanding I've been searching for all these years.

I'm at a loss for words. It's not a feeling of final accomplishment nor one of emptiness. It's this freeing level of awareness. I'm not sure why now. Perhaps Sandi was right when she gave me the affirmation, "I will heal in my own time, at my own pace."

I am alive. I have a life to live. So, how do I want to live it?

On the flip side, I keep getting flashbacks, memories from my parts. It is both fascinating and slightly alarming. I keep having to flex and rotate my hands to ground myself to the here and now. It's almost like they are trying to remind me who I am. Taking a break outside a school at a marching band competition in Missouri, practicing wall ball in the empty gym at my high school, playing a dora video game at my old house in Ohio, standing on the deck of a chateau looking out at the Swiss Alps, walking through the main train station in Geneve buying chocolate, meeting with Dr Philippa in her old downtown apartment office, walking to the park with the other patients from the Priory Roehampton in London, sitting high up in the trees in my backyard as a little kid, being in science class in second grade as a guest brings in a live vulture for us to meet, walking with Emily, Ellie, and Hobbes around Mount Sequoyah after getting my tattoo, sitting in the cabin in the woods, talking with the unhoused guy my age on the bike path by the library. Is my brain trying to remind me of times when I felt glad to be alive? Times when I felt most like myself? Where do I find peace and joy?

My brain automatically goes to "in Christ Jesus", but I think that is like a math equation on a white board versus seeing it out in the beauty of the world. I am happy at school. I love learning. I can rekindle that flame. I love being active and working at the mastery of a skill. I love being outdoors and in the city. I love solving puzzles. I love playing instruments. And I both value my solitude and being in a community where I feel I belong.

I don't know much about Lotus flowers, other than they grow in water. If you want to read more: https://www.bbg.org/article/plant_profile_sacred_lotus_nelumbo_nucifera

I think I may get a Lotus tattoo. I want to find a way to tie in other parts of my identity. It will be a good creative art project to draw out the perfect symbol.

Alright, to be continued.